Coaching Soccer

A few weeks ago at practice Brendan's coach asked for volunteers to help coach in case he was out of town, and I deftly pointed at another dad and said, "He'll do it!" Nice job, Timbo, you volunteered. (And other dad didn't think it was too funny, and now thinks you're pretty much a douchebag. Two birds with one stone as only I could do it...) After practice, I talked to John and said that I've coached hockey for a couple years, and though I know nothing about soccer I can help maintain order.

So, tonight was the big night. John's out of town, his assistant is out of town, so practice is being run by his wife, Lisa, and yours truly. Thankfully Lisa had played soccer since she was five, and I believe played in college. I, on the other hand, know a soccer ball is round, that you can't use your hands if you're not the goalie, and in a wager for a beer could probably explain offsides. I mentioned that to Lisa at the game on Saturday and she told me not to worry because, "...it's just like hockey!"

Sure it is...but there are a few minor differences. Off the top, offsides doesn't involve a blue line. How do you know if you're in the wrong place without a big blue line??? That's just insane. Secondly there's the whole ball v. puck thing...when a puck rolls, that's a bad thing. Protective gear for a soccer player involves a couple of shin guards. (Though after watching these kids kick at each other, helmets, shoulder pads, and hockey pants wouldn't be a bad idea.) And finally, a goalie doesn't need an additional 45 minutes to get dressed in more leather gear on than Carrie Ann Moss in the Matrix to play in net. (I believe they're also called a "keeper." What the hell are they keeping???)

So, with those formalities worked out, I figured I'd be OK. It's a group of 8 year old kids like any other group of 8 year old kids. They'll run around do the drills as instructed and hopefully enjoy themselves. Wow was I mistaken...it was a mess. Yelling, laughing, crying, running, kicking...and that was just two kids going to a water break.

Now, I know kids will be kids and they have their moments of not paying attention at all, but this seemed to be a whole new level. Not that the kids that put on skates are any better or worse, but had this been a hockey practice there would have been a lot of skating. Not to mention a lot of yelling and a lot of whistles. Are hockey kids different kids? No, I don't think so. But, their coach comes armed with more than a whistle...he's got hockey gloves on and a stick in his hands.

So, I enjoy working with kids in sports, but I don't envy the soccer and baseball coaches of the world...not at all. I'll stick to coaching hockey, where the little rug rats are contained by boards and glass.

And I have a stick and gloves...